Looking for some feedback on game story idea

I’ve just finished completely networking jevaengine (quests, character dialogue etc) and I am going to start working on a project with it and looking to collect a team for further development of the project.

Before I do I want to have a basic idea\theme\story for the game and implement some basics unpolished quests\maps for the game.

This is what I’ve got so far, please provide some feedback (Note that I am not a great writer.)

edit

For those that read this thread early, ‘not’ was a typo of ‘now’