Q: What’s orange, and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!
Q: What’s the difference between a duck?
A: One of it’s legs is both the same!
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted!
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
banana.
Why is a cat like a sidewalk?
Because neither of them can play the piano.
I love these.
What’s green and talks incoherently?
A schizofrenic cucumber.
Q: What’s the difference between a hammer and a sprinkler pipe ?
A: They are made of rubber except the hammer…
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
shmoove
[quote]1. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
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I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
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“Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.” "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " “It’s not unusual.”
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” "What? Because he’s cross-eyed? " “No, because he’s really heavy”
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Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
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Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad… Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu… But I think it’s Colin.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bastard.”
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
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A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”
[/quote]
#18 is my favorite
Two bars of chocolate falling out the shelf. “Shit. I think I broke something”, one said. “It’s worse for me”, the other replied. “I fell on my nuts!”
Two Hydrogen atoms are walking down the road. One says “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other replies “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” says the first. “I’m positive.”
Why has Edward Woodward got four "d"s in his name?
Because otherwise he would be called Ewar Woowar.
Did you know that if you hold a unix shell to your ear you can hear the C?
Two men walked into a bar.
The third ducked.
One astronaut came back from the longest space mission ever. he was so weak from zero gravity that he couldn’t even walk. When he got home to his wife, she asked “Was it really worth it, all that time in space.”
The astronaut replied “Yes, certainly!”
“And what did you get out of it?” asked his wife.
He replied, “For being the person longest in space I got atrophy!”
Whats brown & sticky?
A stick 
A woman walks into a shop and picks up a can of fly spray. She turns to the assistant and asks “Is this good for wasps?”
“No, madam,” the assistant replied. “It will kill them.”
Q: What’s Freudian?
A: Saying one thing but meaning amother
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
This kid is so ugly, when he plays in the sandbox the cat keeps trying to cover him up.
I’ve got loads more…
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they keep eating all their food?
What’s white and blue and stuck in the tree?
A fridge with levi’s.
How do you get four elephants in a mini?
two in the front, two in the back.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He was pulled in by a strong currant.